Sunday, March 8, 2009
Faith in Life Here and Now
...be content with such things as ye have for He has said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Last Sunday I posted on believing God sends us protection, which include angels. And in that post I made mention that I had not always trusted God to protect my little ones. Here is a very personal part of my life story. I believe other moms with postpartum depression, or with a founded fear of SIDs can relate to it. So I share it to let them know there is hope!
As and aide on a palliative care floor in a private nursing home, I have sat and witnessed more than my share of death. I have felt the presence of a soul leave a room. I have also walked into a room that feels completely empty, and found that the resident had passed in their sleep. Some went peacefully and some with a fight. But I had never been prepared for what I had witnessed, to affect the rest of my life.
It was with our first born, our daughter, that my faith as a Christian was really tested. Within the year of her conception and her birth, I lost two most important grandparents in my life from heart related illnesses.
Perhaps someday I will share more my experiences with Postpartum depression. But what anchored PPD in me was that our daughter had a pulmonary heart disorder. And I felt very alone trying to come to terms with it. I was so afraid to ever leave her alone. I don't fear death itself, but the fear of being left alone while my loved ones were passing on ahead is what gripped me.
Moms know what it is like the first time your firstborn sleeps past their usually feeding in the night. You wake with a start and rush to check on them. For me it was that and worse. I would wake up and completely panic. And I was so afraid to go check on her because I did not want to come face to face with the absolute worst possibility. And then I would beat myself up for not being there for her. At first I would wake my husband, and when he brought her in safe and sound I would nurse her and cry quietly with relief, so not to disturb my husband sleeping again, or my daughter eating. I was just plainly full of fear, and I didn't trust God not to take her from us. I eventually learned to force myself to check on her. But I still cried and would hold her for ages before putting her back in her bed. But God had a lot of work to do on my heart, as well as hers. And it was actually the day of her surgery (she was 11 months old) that I felt at peace for the first time since she had been diagnosed. I know that the peace I had that moment was from the many prayers from my church family and family members that were being offered up that day for us. But I knew I wanted to keep that feeling of peace. I didn't want to fear anymore. And that gave my soul the strength to accept answers to my problems, which I hadn't allowed in before.
I have learn to trust God, although I am not perfect and there are still times my faith teeters. And I had to come to terms with my depression, and with the life experiences I had been through, witnessing death.
My mom who was still grieving the loss of her parents, shared with me one of her mothers favorite verses.
I'm leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid.
c CEJTM 2009